Tuesday, September 30, 2008

New Blog

Well, I have mulitple people that want to read my "funny" blogs but dont' want to sift through the "gun stuff". Thus, The Beehive has been born. Check that one out if you want a laugh.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Gym. Rats.

I decided I better have one of my semi-annual trips to the gym today so I can justify my $40 a month membership. Also, I'm just getting fatter so its not a bad idea.
As my sebaceous glands pour forth a fountain of sweat, I take stock of the situation around me. Old lady on my left. Pregnant women doing aerobics on the basketball court. A decrepit older man crawling off a weight machine with help from his cane. A host of buff, muscular men hefting very large amounts of metal.

Still I feel good about myself until I lock eyes with the man I'm calling Herman. Herman is easily mid-60's with thick brown plastic frames surrounding his very large glasses. Those glasses are older than I am. He wears a large orange sweatshirt and brown pants. He holds himself up by his forearms on an apparatus which suspends his legs and supports his weight in such a way that his neck has disappeared. He looks like a 65 year old Simon Birch.

He locks eyes with me and holds the stare for a moment as he effortlessly raises his legs forward and up in a sort of backwards mid-air sit up, demonstrating far more abdominal strength than I.

And I feel ashamed.........

Changing My View

Recently I was going to be receiving a patient. 58 year old with Down's Syndrome, Alzheimer's, Personality Disorder, OCD, and a history of being combative.
Very quickly we decided not to recover this patient in the usual open PACU bays, but in one of our private rooms.

The patient is brought in, he is intubated, and while be for awhile. He is still completely out of it after receiving ketamine, midazolam, and anesthesia. He is 100% unresponsive. I settle in close by his side where I can monitor him and his airway. I chart away, thankful for a chance to do paperwork right away, but also with an ominous feeling that when this guy wakes up it will be with bravado. I have gloves, a syringe for the ETT, and suction on standby. His caregiver arrives, sits in a recliner and turns on the TV.

She is watching ABC's "The View".

Have mercy! Could there be any worse show on earth? It is torture. The slow, rhythmic, misty breaths coming from my patient's T-piece puff off as a time keeper. Each breath is chalk mark on my cell wall reminding me that this is going to be a long recovery. Anything has to be better than The View. I can't believe women watch this.

I feel like I'm sitting in the hen house listening to five old birds cluck. No words, just angry clucking....

Monday, September 22, 2008

Creepy Massage

I was just musing about my first massage. It was a birthday gift in college. But I'm pretty excited for it. Who doesn't want a massage? I check into the Salon ready to go, but already feeling a bit....odd. I mean, for me, its a bit invasive.

I'm ushered into a small massage room. Its what you expect. Dim lights, cheap fountain in the corner, reeks of incense. There's a shower in the corner full of stuff....I hope its not for me.

"Go ahead and take off as many clothes as you want. A lot of people go naked, but some people just strip to their underwear."


As much as I want? What I want to wear is a goose down parka while some stranger caresses my jiggling body. I want to not feel like a beached whale and have someone I don't know start feeling me up. But, I suppose the massage will be less effective that way. And lets just come out and say it. At this point, I'm in college, doing the saving-yourself-for-marriage thing, and I'm the v word. That's right virgin. So virgin Chris is stripping to his skivvies, crawling into a bed in the middle of the room, and waiting for a burnt-out hippie named Marge to come rub him down.

And in walks Marge.

You think the burnt-out hippie part was a joke? No. 50-something white woman. Frizzie hair adorned with dreads and beads. A dress that could only be made of hemp, or possibly the beard hairs of a goat. You know, the kind of lady that only drinks from a Mason jar, doesn't own a car, makes her own soap, and works by the light of a natural beeswax candle.

In a sultry, dusky, Mary Jane influenced voice she coos, "Is this your first massage?"


"Oh, that's wonderful. Would you like some music on?"


"What do you like?" At this point, I had just joined the college jazz band.

"Well, I like jazz"

"Okay, I'll put some on".

Apparently, we have miscommunicated at this point. To my horror, Kenny G begins floating ominously from the $25 boombox on the counter. I shiver slightly and decide its okay.

"How's that?" She asks. "Uh....great. Great. He's good" I sputter.

"Okay, I'm going to begin." Oooookay.

I begin to be rubbed and massaged and kneaded by Marge. Kenny G wafts seductivly through the air as Marge engages in oil-laden strokes of my legs. Kenny sings to us......Ba da da ba da ba da, ba da da doo....... It does feel nice. However, full body means....well a lot of the body. 90%. But you know, even if you don't drive to Houston, you can still feel a little country at the Texas border.

Suddenly, my body is confused by mixed messages and she rubs my thighs.



MmmmmmMARGE! SICK! No! Retreat!!

Ba da da ba do be da, ba doo bee dwoo da.......
You are not helping me here Ken!

And yet, it feels good. Thighs being rubbed....good......Marge touching me....bad.....Baseball, cold showers......

Fortunately, its time to flip on to my stomach. She's now massaging my back and its feels good. My face is in the little open donut thing facing down, but my eyes are closed. I'm oblivious for a moment to the word. Hence, I don't notice as she sits on a stool facing me, her legs under my face. I don't notice that her hemp-dress-concoction has a slit in it. I don't notice that the slit in her dress is really quite high, that perhaps her woven wonder has fallen to each side of her legs. I don't notice I'm the in the lap of.....luxury.

Until I open my eyes...

To a suprise....

Margie's thighs.

The Burning!! The pain! Why doth thy dress part in such high flight? My nose is in the holy of holies here, and I want out! Suddenly, "Danger Zone", the theme song from Top Gun is flying through my head and I'm wondering if its possible to get "the clap" in my nose.

But suddenly, praise my maker, the massage is over. Like an embarassed youngling I wait with the covers pulled tightly until she leaves the room. I get dressed. I'm given a water bottle. Apparently they notice the sweat on my brow. Should I be smoking or something now?

I'm ready to leave and before I can get through the door Marge fires out, "Hey, what are you doing right now?"

No way. This lady did not just ask me that......

"Uh, not much."

"Could I get a ride somewhere?"

You've got to be kidding me. I am finally free of a rather awkward hour, and its instigator needs a ride. But I'm a nice guy. "Sure."

I give Marge a ride to the mechanic about 10 blocks away, she thanks me, and reminds me to drink plenty of water or I'll be sore. Yeah but what about the psychological damage lady? As she gets out of the car, I feel like I should be asking,

"So....do I call you sometime?"

...I choose instead to say thank you, and pull away a bit faster than the speed limit.


I love this country. Its true that she is sick; she is broken. But I love her. Don't take her for granted.

First Shooting Match

I finally shot my first competition match. USPSA 3-gun. Shotgun, Ar-15, pistol. I had a blast. So here's the deal. I felt good about how I shot. For a beginner, not bad. I have never held an AR-15, and I haven't shot a shotgun in about 12 years. I shot the AR pretty well, scoring some difficult hits. I shot the 12 gauge with no problems but loaded very slowly. Pistol was fine. In the end, however, I placed last in my division. I think it was okay. One course I was 8/11 and ahead of some fine shooters.

I did, however, get several "good shooting" comments from better shooters. One of the really good shooters said, "You know, for being brand new, you're really pretty good at this". That was reassuring. I'm definitely looking forward to shooting more. Now I need sponsors so I can afford to shoot often! I'll be checking out some matches in Omaha, NE this fall, and will compete in winter indoor league here in Sioux Falls, SD.

Thursday, September 18, 2008


Sometimes, if you stop for a second, and look past the busyness, you remember we live in a beautiful world.

Shot in the Wallet

This Sunday I'm shooting a 3 gun match at the local USPSA club. Pistol, Shotgun, and AR-15. Ran to the store to get the ammo I need. I bought cheap stuff (not Wolf cheap, but its not a bag full of Hornady or something).

200 rounds 9mm
60 rounds .223
25 rounds #7.5 shot lead shells


I hate that.


I think I finally understand women and all their accessories. Purses, earrings, shoes.......

For men its called...gear! Shopping for it, comparing it, buying it.....even organizing it all. I think I love gear.

This week I've had a blast picking up new stuff:

Uncle Mic's range bag. What a great little bag for 45 beans. Holds plenty of ammo and all my gear for shooting. Its my first range bag actually designed to hold shooting gear and I love it.

Also picked up some Peltor Tactical 6s electronic muffs. Looking forward to trying those out. I'll probably review them after I've warn them shooting.

Starting getting the beginnings of my competition rig. Stuff I'll being using for USPSA and hopefully some IDPA too. I have some Comp-Tac single mag carriers and an Uncle Mike's Police Gear kydex holster for use with my G17. The comp-tac stuff is okay. Will do the job. The holster is a little disappointing. I've loosened the tension screws as much as possible but it still draws pretty hard. I think I'll be ordering a Safariland 007 holster- it will work for USPSA and IDPA. I also already ordered a Safariland double buckleless belt, but it won't be here in time for the last competition of the season.

Will be picking up at least one more 17 round mag for the Glock this week. Also picked up some snap caps......pretty much any little thing that looks good, I've been grabbing up! Here's to gear!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You know You're a Male Nurse If....

You know you're a male nurse if......

...the "Personal Care Kit" (aka first aid/med cupboard) for the employees of your unit has more space dedicated to feminine hygiene products than anything else.

....there are pumping rooms for your co workers. And its not for pumping iron.

Ammo Shifts

I love to shoot. I'd probably shoot every day if I could.....with a host of different guns.

But alas, the price of ammo. Its crazy. I used to only shoot every few months....3-4 times a year.....200 rounds each time. So less than 1000 rounds per year.

I'm trying to shoot a lot more without breaking the bank amidst my other hobbies (expensive guitars, backpacking). I'm probably shooting 300-500 rounds a month, and I'm just starting to dip my toes in this compeition thing.

So, I've been picking up hours at work just to pay for shooting/competing. I find myself measuring pay not in dollars/hour but rounds/shift.

I can sign up for "critical call" on Saturdays. I get $70 just to stay in town and be on call, time and a half if I get called in. Just being on call is probably 350 rounds.

Thus, the "Ammo Shift".

Life Skills

Recently, a new Nursing Assistant joined our department. She is in the Air Force reserve. She is a jet mechanic.

You know, sometimes you hear people trying to sell the military: "Join the military, and you'll learn all kinds of useful skills for life."

So I asked her, "how's that jet mechanic thing helping you out?" It of course is not. I asked if any skills transfered like fixing a lawn mower or someting. Nope.

I can just see it now....

"Honey, I asked you to fix the vacuum"

"I did"

"It sucked the carpet off the floor..."


"It shot it out the back and fired off a missle!"

"Yeah, we've been having trouble with that....."

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


Recently, I made the decision to begin carrying a concealed weapon. If you are someone how knows me, and followed this link from facebook or something, and think I've gone crazy, check out My Stance on Gun Ownership and Use for a thought out description of why I think this is wise.

Anyway, my family was not so crazy about this idea, but I got them to accept it. They knew I was buying a S&W J-frame, etc. So my first weekend I came home after I bought it, I was carrying. No one noticed.

The subject came up, and somehow I mentioned I was ordering a better holster. "Holster?" Dad says. "Then everyone would see it."

I decided maybe we just need to take all the fear and mystery out of this, and talk about it. I revealed I was carrying, with the plan to unload the gun, show it to them, discuss it. I proceeded to safely unholster the gun, point it away from everyone, and unload 5 rounds of .38spl.

"Its loaded??!!" bursts out my sister. "Why would you carry a loaded gun?!"

........Why on earth would I carry an unloaded gun? That's called a $450 paperweight.

The Four Gun Laws

1. Treat every gun as if its loaded.

2. Never point the muzzle at anything you do not want to destroy.

3. Keep your finger off the trigger until ready to fire.

4. Be sure of your target, what is in front of it, and what is behind it.

If followed religiously, these 4 rules will prevent any inadvertant disharges/damages/or deaths related to a firearm.

My Stance on Gun Ownership and Use

Recently I've been taking a lot of heat for my gun hobby and "obsession". Now its true, I've ruminated a bit on guns lately. I'm a passionate person, when I find something that captivates me, I do tend to focus on it a bit. Truth be told, my recent surge of interest is the result primarily of the financial freedom required to purchase and shoot said weapons. AKA, I graduated from college two years ago and actually have money now.

Indeed, I am not obsessed, but have been under a bit of scrutiny. You see, in South Dakota, everyone has a closet full of shotguns and rifles. Hunting anything that moves in encouraged and understood, but bring up a handgun and its as if you confessed to terrorism. In fact, a few years ago, while eating lunch with my coworkers on an ICU nightshift, I caught quite a bit of grief.

"Handgun? Why do you need a handgun? You going to rob a bank?"

No. I'm not going to rob a bank. But I do support gun ownership, use, and carry. And so, I present My Stand on Gun Ownership and Use. Warning, this may be long!

1. I believe in gun ownership. I believe that adults who have not been convicted of felonies or have committed acts to otherwise prove irresponsibility or major mental illness have the right to own firearms. This country exists because normal people were armed, and were therefore able to fight Britain and establish the USA. I do not live in paranoid fear of our government or fear of hostile takeover by another country.

However, I do believe a responsibly armed citizenry is healthy, and is the proud tradition of our country. Indeed, our country owes its existence to the ownership of firearms. In fact, the first shots fired in the Revolutionary War were resultant from the attempt to disarm a local militia so that they could not fight for their freedom.

2. I believe in the use of firearms for personal protection. I believe that if the life of yourself or another is clearly threatened and endangered, the use of firearms is just and acceptable. I do believe there is a difference between murder and self defense. Thus, I believe in the right to carry; whether open or concealed. I do not have a Napoleon or Rambo complex. I do not wish to see people killed for the mere act of sadistic violence or the feeling of power.

I believe this use must be reserved strictly for the defense of life and limb. I do not support shooting a thief who is running away from the house, drawing a firearm when one feels a bit "scared", or going into obviously dangerous situations if they can be avoided. I believe in the avoidance of confrontation if possible. Owning a firearm does not take the place of common sense, awareness, and wisdom.

I do believe in situations such as Virginia Tech and the Omaha, NE mall shooting that citizens who were armed, trained, and competent with firearms could have prevented or limited deaths and injuries.

The world seems to be in a state of declining morality, with an increasing disregard for life. I do not live in paranoia; however with increasing crime, an uncertain economy, and more awesome acts of violence, I believe it is prudent to be armed and competent with a gun. We do not know what tomorrow holds.

Again a gun is never, ever, ever, ever to be used or even drawn from its holster unless there is a clear and obvious threat to life. Period. No one should know you have a gun unless they are trying to take your life.
3. I believe in responsible firearm ownership. Owning a gun does not make one armed. It is my opinion that most "accidental" gun deaths do not occur because of the innately dangerous characteristics of guns. I believe it is due to ignorance and irresponsibility. See The Four Gun Laws.

If one makes the choice to own a gun, I believe it is their responsibility to become competent with it. Shooting instruction, practice, and knowledge of the gun is a must. This is doubled for one that wishes to carry in public.

Wise decisions must be made. A loaded handgun in the nightstand may be appropriate for me, but I have no children in the house. Holsters must be used. We must consider not only ourselves, but those around us. Guns must be stored responsibly, used responsibly, and never treated as toys. Note that all my comments regarding ownership and use come with responsibility, training, and competence. It is not acceptable, in my opinion, to own a gun that will ever be used for defense, hunting, or sport, and have never trained with it.

Do not carry without a permit! Follow local laws! Know what is appropriate and legal!

4. I do not believe gun ownership increases gun crime. I believe that the majority of gun violence is committed by criminals who operate outside the law. Increasing gun control, making it difficult for law-abiding adults to own guns, and driving up the price of ammunition will not, in my opinion, decrease gun crime. Only rarely do we see an average, decent person who snaps and goes on a shooting rampage. This is an unfortunately rarity which receives heavy press. Take away guns, other means will take their place. Bombs, etc. Crystal Meth is reeking havoc on the nation but we have not made the components illegal. Nor have we outlawed cars. Alcohol Prohibition is what birthed organized crime and terrible violence.

In fact, I believe that disarming the general public will only provide an easily preyed on populous for criminals. They will have guns. We will not.

5. I believe in gun ownership for sport. When respected and used correctly, guns make up for an enjoyable sport that many engage in. Clay pigeon shooting, competition handgun shooting, rifle ranges, and hunting are enjoyed by many around the nation.

6. I believe in gun ownership for utility. At the end of the day, guns can bring home the bacon. Hunting is sport, but can also provide food. If the world around us crashed (again, I am not paranoid), firearms can be used to secure sustenance.

7. On Religion. I do not believe that any of the above mentioned clashes with my christian belief system. If the taking of a life is based soley on self defense, I do not see interference with biblical commands. There may be an argument waged on the grounds of "turn the other cheek". However, this would likely gather varying opinions.